It's okay to fall a p a r t...

i don't think i'm gonna write in here anymore for the most part. if anyone cares to, you can subscribe to my blog on myspace.


www.myspace.com/candyaplesodapop


thanks.

i know everyone that reads my journal (or most anyway) will have to check this out...

http://www.encyclopedia-of-sex.com/

it's great.

st. pattys day is definitely the best holiday...except i'm feeling like SHIT rite now. :(

i'm going to volunteer at the zoo this summer. i sent in my info already. i want to get up close with the animals and see if that field is the right one for me like i always thought my whole life. i'm excited to do this. i've never done any volunteer work, and i think this could be a great experience for me. i've been looking into exotic animal training, and i found a school called moorpark college in california that has a 2 year associates degree that i was looking into. it seems that animal trainers only make about $12-15,000 a year and most have a second source of money. so what i was thinking was that i could work as a nurse at a local hospital around there, figure out what kind of hours i can get and work as an animal trainer, too. i could work part time as a nurse instead of full time, that way i don't wear myself into the ground. and hopefully jimmy will be makin some money by then, too, that way he can help out and stuff. and i say jimmy cause i can't see myself with anyone else in the future. plus i love the guy. he treats me really good and takes care of me when i need it and is there for me whenever i need him. sincere. i'm extremely comfortable with him, possibly even the most comfortable i've ever been with any boyfriend. anyway, so yea....it's a 2 year degree at that college, and its 45 miles from L.A. and Santa Barbara, so i'm gonna see what kind of hospitals are around there. i won't live in L.A. ew. but...i think this is something i want to do. and who knows...maybe if i do go thru and volunteer, then get my nursing degree and go out to cali and get my EATM(exoitc animal training and management) degree, i mite just love it too much and go further with the animal degree and drop my nursing degree, or just work a few hours or in a specialty field. idk. i have so much to think about...and it's good for me to be excited to do something, cause i was really starting to get depressed by school and not wanting to finish rite now. i just want to be motivated. i think i was starting to doubt that i would like my job as a nurse. after going to the zoo twice this week, i just wanted to be around animals. everyone always thought i was going to be a vet when i was a kid and growing up. i just love animals way too much i guess. :) but...idk. it's a little ways away and i got some time to think about it and figure my life out. i'm excited.

jimmy almost died last nite. and when i say that, i'm definitely serious. we were bored so we just went driving around. we were somewhere way the fuck outta town, probably about 3-5 miles past greenfield off of 12 mile rd. all of a sudden jimmy says that it's getting a little hard for him to breathe. he has really really bad asthma. so we turned around and started heading home. then it got worse and worse really fast. by the time we hit greenfield road, he was breathing really shallow and fast and coughing. his eyes were rolling around a little bit and starting to close. everytime we'd hit a red lite, he would lean his head back and close his eyes. he even held his breath (or stopped breathing) one time. i kept trying to talk to him, but he told me he couldn't think. i asked him to let me drive cause he was doing at least 5 under the speed limit, but he didn't want me to. i asked him what i am supposed to do if he just stops breathing or can't drive all of a sudden. he told me there's nothing i can do. i asked him where a hospital, and he told me 13 and woodward. we were nowhere NEAR 13 and woodward, and he couldn't tell me where another one was. then he told me not to take him there cause he can't afford it cause he doesn't have insurance. i told him that this was a little more important rite now than him having insurance or not. we were getting pretty close to his house, but he was doing even worse. he looked over at me and barely breathed out "i love you." i honestly thought he was saying his goodbyes to me. i had a death grip on his hand that he had on my leg, and my other hand was squeezing his leg, probably pretty hard. he pulled up in his driveway and i took his keys and ran to the house to unlock the door. he had his breathing machine downstairs from the other nite, so i had him walk in front of me down the stairs. when he got to the bottom, he just fell on the floor. i had to help him get up and go over to the couch. then i couldn't find any of the medicine to put in the machine, and he handed me one. at this point my hands were shaking so hard i'm surprised the medicine made it in the container. i turned it on and handed it to him and he fell asleep with it in his mouth. after it was done and he turned it off, i told him how scared that made me, and how i thought maybe he wasn't going to make it when he told me he loved me in the car. and scarily enough, when i told him that he said that he thought he wasn't going to make it either. he said that he really felt like he was going to die when he was driving in the car. and that he was pushing himself to stay awake because i was in the car and he didn't want to leave me alone. and if i wasn't there, when he fell on the floor he probably could have died rite there. i can't remember the last time i was scared like that. like i was going to lose someone rite in front of me and there was nothing i could do. it was so scary. sooo scary....

i am a mess rite now. like...literally, in my mind. it's a mess. nothings changed from my last entry.

i'm sick of arguing with jimmy. last nite was just it for me, i told him that it needs to stop...i didn't tell him what i would do if it didn't. i wouldn't break up with him, but we would not be a very happy couple.

since i'm already stressed out and frustrated, i mite as well write this, too...

if you don't like me, but you read my journal all the time, please stop. it's stupid and pointless and all you are trying to do is find something to get me in trouble. or looking for something that will just make you hate me more. so seriously....if you don't like me, don't read my shit. thanks.

i had a bunch of things i wanted to write in here, but now i can't think of any. i just feel really lost and alone even tho i have ppl i can and do talk to.

i feel really bad about not going to canada to celebrate tine's birthday. but i had strep throat and a fever, i felt really bad. and tine there's something i want to talk to you about sometime. i have spring break next week so maybe we can get together then? just let me know.

i visited steve last nite for about 20 minutes before i went to jimmy's work. i haven't seen him since like...november. he looks good....looks the same, actually. chopper knocked me clean on my ass. cute dog. when i left he didn't even look at me...so i think he mite hate me.

i keep snapping at jimmy. that's gotta stop. he's only trying to help me.

PLEASE SIGN THIS PETITION FOR THE DETROIT ZOO! IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE!!


http://www.petitiononline.com/detzoo/petition.html

THANK YOU!!!

it's coming up on one year since jimmy lost his dad. in one week from today, actually. he still hasn't really opened up to me about it. i know everyone deals with that kinda loss in their own way...but i wish he wouldn't keep everything so bottled up. and i wish i could be there with him/for him in one week...but i will be up here at school. it makes me want to cry thinking about losing my dad like he lost his....i guess him and his dad were close like me and my dad. and me and my dad are likethis. thisclose. he died if lou gehrig's disease, and he wasn't even diagnosed with it until 9 months before he died, and he wasn't sick at all until 9 months before he died. but by the end he was in a wheelchair and everything. i think that the hardest thing i will ever go thru is losing my dad. actually...i know it will be. i'm not even going to think about it, it's too sad.

i'm having a down day. i should be happy with the recent test scores...but i don't feel all that good. i think i miss some of my friends. like...old friends. one's i haven't seen or talked to in a long time. brandie. steve. josh. jake. the one's i just...lost touch with. except josh. that was a diff story, but the rest i can't be mad at, it just kinda happened the way it did. and it happens, i know this. i don't wanna lose touch with tine, or kelly, or russell, or jessica...idk what i would do without them. so much has changed in the past 6 months it's almost unreal. i can't even look back and compare things to how they are now cause they are so different. not just me, but with almost everyone. everyone up here, anyway. and if we go even FURTHER back, to like...this time last year compared to this time this year, it's crazy how much EVERYONE i know has changed.

i think being depressed just runs in my blood. something is always bringing me down, and the past 2 months where i was feeling like nothing could stand in my way was the best i've ever felt about myself, mentally and physically. i wish i could just go back to that. i'm trying.

me and doug are having a discussion on religion and god. he is agnostic and i don't know what i believe anymore, so it's a good convo cause it's not arguing and being biased. for me anyway. i'm just kinda taking in his view point and asking questions. it's actually one of the best religious convos i have had in a long time.

i wish it was nice out. i just want to go down by that creek and sit there and just think for a long time.

today was such a waste of a day.

so first, this is the most ridiculous thing i've heard since i heard about the jar of brad and angelina's BREATH that was selling for 15 grand....

i went to get an oil change at valvoline and the guy comes out to my car...i tell him i need and oil change and he goes "yea...we ran out of oil today."

.....ummm...what? isn't that like...a gas station running out of gas? yea...it definitely is. PROBABLY one of the dumber things i heard in a while.

second, i got a 93% on my anatomy and physiology test i studied my ass of for last week. who's a badass? oh...that's rite....me.

m&m's are the best small chocolately goodness chocolate candies for my mouth. they are delicious.

my face like...got acne or something. so i went tanning and bought a bunch of face masques and my mom put some steroid cream on it. yea...anyone who knows me knows i have pretty good skin. i had a really bad breakout or something. ew.

i also gained like...10lbs. i'm no heavier than i was at the beginning of the year, but i WAS down to 128 for a little while and i'd like to get back down there. i was thinkin about buy that zaltrex that i saw at the store? it's an energy supplement, too, which i always love. maybe then i won't have to buy so many energy drinks everyday. i'm gonna work out and eat healthier, too. my ass is getting ridiculous. i tried on a bikini at guess this weekend which i would've bought if it hadn't been for my love handles and wide load ass.

i need to start my period. not cause i'm scared or anything, but cause i want to try out the nuva ring. :) is it weird that i'm excited to use a new birth control? ha.

i just ate a grilled chix sandwich from peppers. provolone cheese, mayo, lettuce and foccata bread. delicioso.

i'm debating on whether or not i want to take a nap. i have so much shit to do, i probably shouldn't, but i probably will anyway.

and about the zoo....i was like...soo upset when i heard about it. holly, i'll write to them asap, and if you find an email addy let me know. i hate the detroit mayor...yea, i understand that he has to cut funding cause he needs the money to build up that shitty as city, but why would you shut down historical landmarks?? the belle aisle (sp) aquarium...detroit zoo...these things have been around forever, and they are FAMILY places. it's not like there's another zoo anywhere in michigan. the closest one's in toledo, but that's not exactly at 9 and woodward. and the aquarium was the best in the united states for rare fish, and half of them died when they shut it down anyway. so...wtf? why get rid of everything with animals? fuck that, i'm pissed. i was looking forward to going to the zoo soooo much this spring with jimmy, we talked about it every week. so now we are going this weekend cause they are closing it in like...2 weeks unless they can find a way around it. fucking depressing.

ahhh a nap sounds marvelous rite now.

i thought about this this morning a little bit...there's only a couple people, but still...

first, josh. i thought about this because someone was 2-waying me this morning and i didn't know whose 2-way it was. but it was obviously an idiot's who doesn't know how to use a 2-way cause they kept pressing the button to talk but never said anything into the phone. i thought that MAYBE it was josh cause i don't have his numbers in my phone anymore. but i don't think it was. and now i'm just mad at him. couldn't call me on new years or xmas. fuck you, josh. i hope mandy drives you insane.

second is jake. now i know he moved to seattle and he's got a REAL job now and everything, but you know...you could at least say HI to me every now and then. i did THINK you were a good friend of mine, but i can see now that you weren't. but this isn't the first time you've just kinda singled me out of your life, so i should be used to it, rite? and normally i wouldn't think about this, but i sent him something on AIM about my mom the other day, and it was really important to me and he didn't even say anything to me.

Third, steve. i haven't seen steve since november, i think. i can understand if he doesn't want to be friends with me, and i get that he's busy, but like...whenever i call him when i'm in town, he doesn't even call me back. that upsets me, and if he doesn't want to be my friend and if he hates me for everything, i kinda wish he would just tell me that he feels that way. but the impression i was under is that he could never hate me. i was under this impression becuase thats what he told me, word for word.

i gotta go to class. that was the end of my list, anyway.